pieces scribbled over the last few years
Early in our relationship, she confessed that she never liked her name and was self-conscious about it. I asked her what name she would prefer and she said not to laugh and I said I wouldn’t and she told me immediately. She had given it some thought. So I assumed she would like it if I called her that and so I did, but after just a few times she said not to because it just didn’t seem right. “I’m Francine,” she said. “Just Francine.” But I told her she could never be just anyone, and someday, if we wanted, we’d both change our names, because I wasn’t sure about mine, either.
She was the first girl I ever met named Francine, and the first girl anyone ever met named Francine Antoinette Sicilian!
The following were written while in the pit of despair, 2017.
Can’t remember that year at all.
They’ll eventually be included as lyrics on the album.
the lie
it had to be a lie
it had to be a lie that was told
a lie that was told that night
in the quiet winter room
she felt a tear fall – my mistake
in the dark, i had to utter it
that fantastical falsehood
whose meaning would calm her
don’t cry, she said
and so i whispered
i’ll be okay – don’t worry
and she slept.
and in that quiet winter room, i wept.
i would not have thought
would not have thought less of her
if she had cried too
the ancient hill
every moment ever spent away from her
i knew someday would reap regret
those careless attempts at what?
autonomy and pride?
if those moments could be retrieved
in a package, by a miracle
and lived right now, i swear
it would be enough for me
if God would only take me
set me on some ancient hill
with nothing else on earth
but she was with me still
that would be enough for us
i knew her well enough to say
and live those moments lost before
she could really go away
explorers
without a destination
in the distant days of earth
never worried where
tides of wind and rain and fate
somehow bring us there
where you are
(i soon will follow)
your spirit your vibration
can be remembered perfect
just move the planet
back and rewind the starlight
there we are again
explorers
no destination
unwound
this exquisite depression
push Your finger into clay
so exacting and precise
in its singular ability
to excavate the earth below me
the Potter forever spins His wheel
sixteen thousand days we had
isn’t that enough He asks
tensionless life not waiting
until i could see her once again
i sit in this shadow of the moon
my unnamed crater, remembering
sixteen thousand days with her
cursed imperfect mem’ry
and every day without her
acceptance
there are problems with no remedies
things that can’t be fixed
puzzles missing pieces
drugs that can’t be mixed
in the fusion of our living
we had all that we could bear
carried burdens for each other
dragged my fingers through your hair
every day i wanted more
of that day when we first knew
that Francine was meant for me
and Craig was meant for you
but that did not concern you
you took days just as they came
you walked the road beside me
shared my coat when in the rain
there are gaps in the equation
and lives they end up broke
but i’m told that we’ll be whole again
when together we’ve awoke
but today there is no remedy
this problem can’t be fixed
this puzzle’s missing pieces
drugs i should not mix
